Bella Moderna... The tales of a Modern Beauty

...Just a simplistic vent...

2012-01-25T04:20:00.000-08:00

So tell me why is it that you see fugly chicks with good looking guys and fugly guys with good looking chicks AND here I am sitting lonely & broken hearted.... Explain to me how a flippin immigrant can get a job over me someone who has been busting there @$$ for the last 1.5 yrs searching hard and has an excellent resume... Can someone explain to me why I feel like an utter failure, with no future?!?!? I'm not trying to sound like I'm whining or crying here BUT can a girl win a lil sumthin here??? I mean I'm not fat, I'm not ugly, have a decent personality and am EXTREMELY respectable... Maybe that's it I'm tooo damn nice! I give out way to much and expect NOTHING in return.... I need to start to just take take take and NOT give two sh!ts... Apparently that's how this game called life really works then huh?!?!?!?

Let It Be Me...

2012-01-24T15:46:00.000-08:00

If you say that you love me... I might just walk away

If you say that you care for me... I might say okay

I just can't stand the thought of you in her arms

Oh how I wish that you could forget about it all

Let it be me... Just take all of me in & Breathe Ohhh

Thought it'll be okay... Just for another day...

Let me lay here in your arms & Ohhh

Let it be me that takes you away

I know now... What I should have known then

There will be no more... Once I walk out your door

I know that you know... You have broken my heart

For the LAST TIME... Oh BUT it's EveryTime I let you in...

Let it be me... Just take all of me in & Breathe Ohhh

Thought it'll be okay... Just for another day...

Let me lay here in your arms & Ohhh

Let it be me that takes you away

But I couldn't figure out... All the how's and why's

I should have taken a second look... at you

I tried to dismiss everything we had... tried walking away

NOT quite knowing how you felt, didn't even care

Sooo Let it be me... Just take all of me in & Breathe Ohhh

Thought it'll be okay... Just for another day...

Let me lay here in your arms & Ohhh

Let it be me that takes you away

Now I can't breathe... You are my air

I don't want to go... I NEED you here

BUT I know I will survive AND my heart will mend

I will try... I will cry... Just don't forget me

BUT Why can't it be me... Just take all of me in & Breathe Ohhh

Thought it'll be okay... Just for another day...

Let me lay here in your arms & Ohhh

Let it be me that takes you away

CroSSed & ConFuSeD

2012-01-24T04:24:00.000-08:00

There are many things that I could say under this title BUT am NOT quite sure who reads my blogs right now anyways I shouldn't be blasting names and for privacy reasons I won't..... NOT to mention I respect and honor this man so I won't!

I am FRUSTRATED beyond all belief as to how he can basically "love" 2 of us & PISSED that I allow it! I have fought for his heart for over a year now.... I have even gone the lengths of TRYING to DISMISS HIM! It hasn't worked, kinda hard when you live with the person..... BUT I am sooo invested and TRULY LOVE him that I will be heart-broken for a LONG LONG TIME to come. I have never LOVED someone as much OR as DEEPLY as I love him. He calls it a "symbiotic relationship" because I rely on him for my basic needs to survive right now. Though be that might be true..... MY LOVE stems from a greater piece of me, and NOT that I need him! If that were the case then SH!T I would have been in love with 50 million other men by now (OK so it's not that many BUT you get my point).

My biggest fear and his greatest wish... When I leave, get back on my feet and son on. He says that we will see were this leads, he wants to make sure I will want him in my life once I leave out of this house WHICH is fine I understand his desire to test certain aspects of us and our dynamics.... HOWEVER MY FEAR is that when I leave> 1. my stubborn pride will kick in so I won't bother him for a dime NOT even to say I miss you> 2. He'll continue the madness with the other chicky that he has been saying "I LOVE YOU TOO" for the last year.

I know he truly doesn't love her... or at least that's the VIBE that everyone seems to get, and the fact she lives a few states away benefits me cause I'm the one that lays next to him or sleeps in his arms EVERY NIGHT! BUT I can't help but wonder HOW does he truly feel for me... is he confused about who he loves or doesn't love... Does he not fully see he hurts me EVERY TIME he picks up that phone when it's "her". (Although he made my night last night by NOT picking up when she called literally Back 2 Back....He continued to hold me and WE continued to watch our show)

I know when the time comes for me to actually depart this house, his side.... I will have to be strong and just simply walk away. I know that this is not going to last any more than what this currently is which is why I keep trying to remind myself to just enjoy the time remaining. He may be confused... OR maybe he's right and I'm the one confused BUT my heart breaks EVERYDAY over him.... He just will never fully understand I don't want anyone else AND he has stolen a huge piece of my heart that I will never get back....

One wish I have for anyone that has loved or is in love or feels like they might be falling in that direction JUST be honest with yourself and the person you have the affection for... Love is truly a disease were there is no cure for, BUT I honestly don't think I would want the cure.... Because I don't EVER want to have to forget about you!

ToDay is a New Day

2012-01-21T14:08:00.000-08:00

I am starting this post/ blogspot in an attempt to help me clear some ill minded feelings towards certain details in my life... Who knows maybe what I have to say may help someone else understand things that are going on in their life. I am not your average pretty face, in fact up until the last few years I didn't feel like I was a pretty face. It has taken me many years and PERSONAL reflection to realize you may not be a super model BUT it ONLY MATTERS HOW YOU FEEL INSIDE...

So as you read my blogs please in mind I may not always have something nice to say doesn't always mean I'm ill-hearted, and I mean ABSOLUTELY NO HARM to anyone. So take NOTHING I say to heart, and REMEMBER to ALWAYS keep an open mind :D