There are many things that I could say under this title BUT am NOT quite sure who reads my blogs right now anyways I shouldn't be blasting names and for privacy reasons I won't..... NOT to mention I respect and honor this man so I won't!
I am FRUSTRATED beyond all belief as to how he can basically "love" 2 of us & PISSED that I allow it! I have fought for his heart for over a year now.... I have even gone the lengths of TRYING to DISMISS HIM! It hasn't worked, kinda hard when you live with the person..... BUT I am sooo invested and TRULY LOVE him that I will be heart-broken for a LONG LONG TIME to come. I have never LOVED someone as much OR as DEEPLY as I love him. He calls it a "symbiotic relationship" because I rely on him for my basic needs to survive right now. Though be that might be true..... MY LOVE stems from a greater piece of me, and NOT that I need him! If that were the case then SH!T I would have been in love with 50 million other men by now (OK so it's not that many BUT you get my point).
My biggest fear and his greatest wish... When I leave, get back on my feet and son on. He says that we will see were this leads, he wants to make sure I will want him in my life once I leave out of this house WHICH is fine I understand his desire to test certain aspects of us and our dynamics.... HOWEVER MY FEAR is that when I leave> 1. my stubborn pride will kick in so I won't bother him for a dime NOT even to say I miss you> 2. He'll continue the madness with the other chicky that he has been saying "I LOVE YOU TOO" for the last year.
I know he truly doesn't love her... or at least that's the VIBE that everyone seems to get, and the fact she lives a few states away benefits me cause I'm the one that lays next to him or sleeps in his arms EVERY NIGHT! BUT I can't help but wonder HOW does he truly feel for me... is he confused about who he loves or doesn't love... Does he not fully see he hurts me EVERY TIME he picks up that phone when it's "her". (Although he made my night last night by NOT picking up when she called literally Back 2 Back....He continued to hold me and WE continued to watch our show)
I know when the time comes for me to actually depart this house, his side.... I will have to be strong and just simply walk away. I know that this is not going to last any more than what this currently is which is why I keep trying to remind myself to just enjoy the time remaining. He may be confused... OR maybe he's right and I'm the one confused BUT my heart breaks EVERYDAY over him.... He just will never fully understand I don't want anyone else AND he has stolen a huge piece of my heart that I will never get back....
One wish I have for anyone that has loved or is in love or feels like they might be falling in that direction JUST be honest with yourself and the person you have the affection for... Love is truly a disease were there is no cure for, BUT I honestly don't think I would want the cure.... Because I don't EVER want to have to forget about you!
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